the childhood pessimism

Being an introvert in nature since I was child, before realizing or understanding the word ‘introvert’, I thought I was very weird because I was reserved and silent and everyone was raising their hands to participate in the classroom. I had traumatic encounters when I was in elementary that contributed to my low self-confidence and low self-esteem. I was more hidden, no one knew about my emotional processes and my inner turmoil even my close friends. I healed myself back then, and attended to my inner wounds but the trauma was and is still here. Looking back, no one taught me to fight back with a menacing stance, only cried and countered few remarks with anger. I am aware of my negativity and pessimism even when I was a child. Sometimes, I laughed and pondered my experience as a child. It’s part of who I am today but I could say that I’m changing over time - from my experiences and way of life as well as how society works in this present time.

the journey

A part of me yearns for a slow life. Everything is so fast and I have to take it slow when I am overwhelmed. The worries and problems from my childhood are very different now - the toils of adulthood. My dilemma now is the same dilemma I dealt with almost 10 years ago, Yes, that’s almost a decade of battling this condition and still I’m working, I enrolled in a vocational school after that ‘downfall’, worked in a hotel as a room attendant, didn’t proceed and went back to college to pursue my passion and graduated in college and now working as a ‘corporate slave’. The world may stopped when I was 17 years old but my world started to revolve again when I was 19 years old and It’s still revolving today despite the relapse and the episodes. The healing time is continuous and it may take years or even a decade in my case. We heal and may slow down our hectic life to just rest from the overwhelming world (especially when we are so occupied with reaching our dreams and goals in life that we forget to rest). My journey is a challenging and humbling experience, and I’m a human, both surviving and living. The world doesn’t stop revolving, and so we are too. We need to keep moving at our own pace.

healing time

Our healing time may vary on our circumstances in life. In this crazy and hectic world, I want to heal with peace of mind and it may be a feat or a challenge. The determination to heal and wake up every day is a sign of healing - one step at a time. We have our way of healing - it might be walking outdoors and observing the things around you instead of just focusing on your problems. And I know my words here hit close home for myself and my other ‘personalities’. I keep silent most of the time but now, my other personality, the ditsy one, wants to express what’s inside my mind and the emotions that I’m dealing with on a day-to-day basis. This may also a part of my healing - to not just bottle up everything and express my problems when I want to. Suppressing my emotions or letting it control me may trigger the balance. Breathing exercises and indulging myself in the present moment may be challenging, knowing that I am always inside my head - daydreaming or ruminating on my actions and behavior at work. I learned from watching Inside Out 2 the techniques for relieving myself from anxiety attacks or panic attacks. One step at a time. We need that. We can’t change our bad behaviors and bad thoughts overnight. It’s a long-term process and cultivating healthy habits and self-care techniques have a positive impact on our well-being.

currently, on relapse

This is just an overview of my mental health journey. I’m still picking up the memories from my previous episodes. And I hope you have an open mind to listen to my story. You may not fully understand or fully grasp it through my messy narration. Regardless, I want to share and express this relapse journey that’s still on the process.

Ambulance. The noise from the vehicles. The honking. The roaring of the engine. The strange and familiar voices around. The daydreams or dreams that felt real. The space out. The immobile body from a distant world. The creeping fear and currents of emotions that were drowning me. The hell of ice-cold, sadness, longing, and complete isolation. My world halted. I was like a factory that paused for that tumultuous moment. I ran out of metaphors to describe the weightlessness.

I was a restless soul. I wanted to escape so I packed my things and went out for a day, drowning in insanity and out of touch with reality. It was a world of fantasy and reality, where I created a temporary world for myself to feel my non-sense worth and wallow in my daydreams and hallucinations. I vividly remember the dreams that were memories now, the products and source of my writings. Some of them weren’t written yet. Was it really absurd to exalt my episodes into concepts and stories? Perhaps.

Remembering those moments from a third point of view is a strange feeling. To see myself as a stranger. A lost and broken soul who wants to escape from the world – running away because of indescribable fear and anxiety, from the taunting voices, from the auditory and visual hallucinations – seeing a lifeless body full of blood. I badly wanted to sleep for nights but at 2 am or 3 am – I’m fully awake, basking in the coldness of the night and the pitter-patter of the rain.

There are lots of triggers – grief from losing our dog, stress from work, personal dilemma, lack of sleep at night since March, too much stimulation and overthinking, complete isolation, and halting my hobbies in April. I had a clear reason why I experienced my first relapse years ago after the emergency psychiatric consultation in my teenage years. Even the first. But now, it’s vague. I couldn’t grasp the reason or the source of why I am experiencing this again. I have to retrace why but accepting this for the nth time is a personal battle.

My mind was flying, and I barely had sleep for 2 hours. I was so careless, stubborn, and complacent that I would be able to handle it for 3rd time. I bravely got up from the bed and decided to consult, informing my supervisor that I wouldn’t be on duty that day. It’s an emergency for me, a caution that I need a desperate solution – again – the medicines that keep me sane and let my brain rest. My emotions were very intense the previous days. My lows are very low. My highs are very high.

Throughout, I was a scattered brain. The setting and flow of the facility changed so I was there longer than usual. I was alone in the facility with other patients suffering from mental health disorders. Observing them, maybe I was lucky enough that I was aware of my mental health. An awareness and recognition between fantasy and reality. But unlike them, I was just a desperate soul who wanted medicine to let me sleep 8 hours every night. A selfish reason. But I was surprised by the dosage, and it’s almost the same as the previous relapse. I was supposed to be on medications until the pandemic hit the world, immobilizing almost everything and I was just surviving back then, writing a novel to express my emotions. Going back, the medicines cost me an allowance for two to three weeks, and thank goodness that the expensive medicine (for stabilizing my mood and letting me sleep like a log) is covered by the government facility/hospital.

I have to pat myself and say that, at least, there are no voices or hallucinations, unlike the previous one where I have to control myself from jumping off the jeep again. I’m always sensitive to roads when I’m on relapse, vehicles, streets, particularly jeepneys where it’s open and you could just jump from the window or the door. So instead of riding a jeepney, I opted to walk despite the summer afternoon sun striking its rays on my skin. I was sweating and thirsty when I went home, relieved that I had the medicines.

This relapse is unexpected. To consult just to stabilize myself from depression. I am still on medications, recuperating and healing on my own. But I need not be too dependent on medications and sort to other therapeutic alternatives. To stay afloat, I have to trust myself that I will overcome this for the next time. This is a lifetime sentence and the future is unknown but I hope I will come back stronger and braver.

and then there was none . . .

My 2022-2024 passed by like a blur and not everything I remember. Even the pandemic was like a distant memory now. I pondled over and over again what I did during that ‘resting time’ of the fast-paced world. I finished a series, and I’m still writing the next generation of the characters. The future contains uncertainties and unexpected events that we can’t control, but we can control the way we react to these. My past self during that pandemic wasn’t expecting that I’d relapse. But a part of me knew that it would came, after four years of lockdown. I was supposed to maintain my medications during that pandemic and my follow-up would be in June 2020, but shit happened and 2020 pandemic happened, my outlet was writing and finishing a novel which contained my daydreams, almost a replication of my highschool life yet I induced fiction and literary elements, of course.

Fast forward, it really helped my writing and reading despite the stress from finishing our thesis, the multitasking because I had to help with our family business when we were recovering from the lockdown while attending to my college studies. The lessons that were taught back then were blurry to me now, as if I had a temporary amnesia from it and I didn’t even want to recall what I studied. Perhaps, in the distant future, I might revisit it.

I survived college. I graduated. I applied for writing jobs. And accepted as an entry-level Content Writer. I never knew I learned so much from my job and I never knew it’s one of the triggers - the transitions, the low morale, the toxicity, the deprivation of freedom of speech or self-expression, the responsibilities, the mismanagement (micromanaged) at most, and more that almost everything eats away my remaining sanity.

Although, I realized that I can write in fast-paced manner yet sometimes, I have moments of mental block or creative block but I have to research everything before putting some words and advertising. I have to collect ideas and content that sparks but I am not an idea machine - I’m just a human who needs rest despite the fast-paced nature of the work. Few months after, I really wanted to quit or resign because I was tired and I had no time to do my hobbies - until I decided to do it.

At first, I complained and complained of how stressful the work was but later on, I stopped complaining because it’s still the same - the cycle and the monotonous routine. This is just a part of my experiences as an adult that I have to go through.

On the other hand, at first, I was a timid potato who rarely smiled and spoke. I was always so focus in front of the computer while humming the songs that I vibed with through the headphones, not caring if I was in tune or I was loud enough for others to hear, especially my seatmates.

Hierarchy might matter to but in the long run, when respect, professionalism and character involved, my reaction and my attitude were different and depends on the circumstances.

Scrolling on social media platforms sometimes shows work-life balance-related videos - reels of traveling, working while traveling, earning enough money for your needs, wants, or whims - was like it was a different world from a corporate worker who barely had a work-life balance, as they called it. But I understood why and I already accepted that reality - of working my ass off for a bare minimum. Maybe I exerted much effort? Or maybe I have high expectations of myself that I wanted to thrive? Or maybe I didn’t want to be a disappointment. But later on, I hit a dead-end and the solution was to go back to where I was before - again and it wasn’t good.

Sometimes, I wondered why I don’t have the strength to leave when it’s not good to my sanity and my peace of mind. But with the inflation and skyrocketing of prices, it wouldn’t be that good to be stuck at home - overthinking of almost everything. The episode - of retracing the past mistakes, shortcomings, and regrets, was torture for hours and I had to ask for help - badly. I was almost literally shaking and my mind was elsewhere. My frontal lobe barely functioned - as if losing my sense of self. I was so drained and burnt out and even though I did almost everything to distract myself, I had no power to prevent it from happening. How could I when I barely had a balance? I need to gain that equilibrium again to function at most.

I’ve been on two double-edged swords in my life for now - being a professional writer at day and personal/creative writer at night. And a senior juggling my responsibilities while managing my mental health. Barely. My 20s feel like I’m surviving - when does the time come when I feel like I’m living?

perhaps, i’m healing through social connections

In every place - workplace, university, or vocational school, I met different people - interacting and telling the pieces of myself. I wasn’t really expecting anything - forming friendships or relationships with other people. The ‘lie low’ or ‘wallflower’ type of person - I don’t want to stand out and just want to stay on the sideline. My calm and collected demeanor or nonchalance hides another layer of personality that my loved ones knew. I am stoic in appearance, seldom smiling and when I am, I am busy listening to music or creating ideas or plots in my head. From my younger years to adult years, I have a world of my own - an inner rich world that no one knows.

Before, I wore a rose-colored lens about life - way before the ‘fiasco’ but deep in my heart, I knew that people could be so cruel, insensitive, unfair, and rude. I may be rude, aloof, and mysterious to others but that’s because I am selective when it comes to opening up myself - my thoughts, feelings, inner turmoil, and such. No matter your position in society, I didn’t care that much. If your joke doesn’t make sense or evoke a ‘humor’ for me, we’ll have an awkward silence between us. I prefer to just suit myself so their first impressions might be totally different from my ‘personality’ or my ‘real self’ in front of my family and close friends.

Being an introvert, when it comes to being stuck in a crowd or having no choice but to go along, I always have this option to be at the back of the group and then vanish like a mushroom - away from socializing. I treasure my solitude and independence and that’s why I seldom reach out for help or assistance, independent and used to solving or analyzing things alone. I learnt so much from my career and I believed that lifelong learning could help in cultivating my skills. The transition and changes might be so fast yet a part of me couldn’t deny that I gained from it - despite the positive and negative effects. On a lighter note, I appreciated the little things around me, the random acts of service, gifts, the nice corner of the park - cute greenery, food, and such. In the middle of the week, I have the chance to have a breather even though it’s not my desired day.

Instead of counting the negative, at least I have the desire to buy things for myself and my family - bills, expenses, needs, and wants. Despite the toxicity, I am thankful for what I have now. Perhaps, a part of me also heals because of social connections. I have the chance to tell the side of my story - the nice things and the terrible ones. A support system greatly helps when it comes to managing my mental health - knowing that I have healthy connections with friends who truly care. I may not need a couple of advice but telling what I had gone through or what I had in my mind brings contentment and security to me. A listening ear helps. And compassion for other people.

I have this desire to be a better person for me and for others. I want to be fully available for my friends whenever they need a shoulder to cry on or a person who eagerly listens to the stories of their lives. I want to be a dependable ‘Ate’ for my family, becoming an anchor for my loved ones. I believe that it’s okay to have your space of healing and recuperating from the wounds and everything in ‘excess’ to your past, present, and future. We don’t have the ability to control whatever to our liking or what we want to happen. Sometimes, the process is slow. And it doesn’t matter - financial, career, and ‘achievements’ when you feel like going nowhere and unhappy.

My 20s felt like I’m surviving - but on a lighter note, I’m trying to live in this fast-paced world with the hope that everything will fall into place.

time for healing - that’s what i need

I want to escape this world. I want to go the galaxy and be part of it as a star, but would that be possible? If I am going to be a star, I should know the galaxy is dark and the planets, stars, asteroids, meteoroids and other universes only light up that darkness. It’s like being stagnant, not living but dead anyway. It’s different from living here on Earth and still breathing despite the willingness to live, as if your soul was just waiting to be on the other side.

Perhaps, I need space to recuperate or heal myself. My mental health as well as my physical health. I need more strength to live as an adult - a functioning and happy adult and a resilient one. I didn’t even notice that I had a cut on my feet and the blood was gushing out. I was too numb to feel it. I was always sensitive to pain, but now I feel indifferent and a bit scared that it is a worm that sticks to my feet, but it’s not. It’s a wound, not a worm.

For now, I want to have a space for myself. Not technically cutting off my loved ones and friends but perhaps a time alone to do my things -like writing, reading, and finding my momentum.

I still have that sadness inside me. It doesn’t go away. I only have to manage that. Writing a journal in notion and perhaps store it somewhere might be good.

Now, I want to write and write whatever. It’s also my way of coping. Where did I go wrong? Why did I have to stop? I need to write everything and continue my writing plans.

That’s also my way of healing. To do the things I love. Distracting myself.

Perhaps, maybe, reading self-help can help but I have to digest that and balance it with my values and principles in life.

It’s not like I cut off, but only space to myself. I probably spend time entertaining myself - like reading everything or writing everything or daydreaming or singing or dancing. Whatever that is. I keep myself busy instead of just overthinking.

I overthink a lot. An overthinker and a natural at that. Yes, I overthought the issue, and that’s why I was spiraling.

Journaling can help and it reminds me of my past. So negative. It’s like my personality. Sadness.

I need a space. Badly. I want to spend my time alone. An unstructured time.

i don’t know if i’m healing or not

To tell you the truth, I don’t know if I am healing or not or I am just stressing myself and the majority of my stress is my work. I have had lots of stressors lately and I want to escape from all of it but I can’t do that drastically. In life, when you are an adult, there’s no way you have no problems. We have that as we grow up and it depends on how we bounce back from it. I don’t know if I’m healing or not. I don’t know anymore. There are days when I feel lazy and just want to sleep all day, devoid but sometimes, my emotions are very intense, especially when I witness heartbreaking stories from other people.

My depression runs 24/7 and I have to rely on medications to sleep properly and I feel groggy and famished when I wake up but regardless of that, I feel almost nothing and everything. My emotions are always lows low and highs high. I’m happy, yet I’m sad at the same time. The conflicting emotions are there. Why do I have to be like this? Depressed and thought that this would stick for a long.

Am I healing or not? Even the basic rights are denied in my workplace - food and even peace of mind. I am an adult and I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. It is very hard for me to manage almost everything in my life.

am i doing right?

I’m still in my twenties, and I will be in my thirties three years from now. Do we have a basis when it comes to saying that our lives don’t suck, as anyone will consider? Marriage, child-bearing, money-making, businesses that keep our desires and dreams running, and a stable life that we can afford almost everything at our disposal. I am a late bloomer, and most of my peers are having their married and parenthood life while I’m still on the journey of discovering and experiencing love with someone who truly loves me and cares for me. Apart from that, I have responsibilities and duties to fulfill at home. I am not that free when it comes to doing something that everyone does, like traveling and such, because I have to think about the budget. There are things to consider, and I have to balance my responsibilities and my time to enjoy my pursuits. Do we have to make sense of it all? Sometimes, what’s happening in our lives might not make sense at all.

Am I doing it right? I plan to just enjoy my single life even though I haven’t experienced some of the most anticipated plans that I’m looking forward to - traveling around the world or within my country, publishing a book, visit my friends in their lair, live with them, and embrace a cottagecore lifestyle until I’m out of the modern and techie world, not caring about social media. That was my goal until I was hit by a brick called ‘love’. Falling in love feels like I’m riding in a bullet train the moment I decide to go to that destination with bright eyes and warmth in my heart. And I didn’t go back. I stay in that place where my heart is at ease. Sometimes, I’m contemplating going back to where I was, reliving my lonely, depressed, yet somehow a little bit contented self. I’m so used to being alone that it frightened me to accept that I have a partner now. A boyfriend, perhaps. I don’t know if this going to be another history or my future. I don’t know what will happen next. But for now, I will savor the moment. The present moment I have someone I can rely on other than my bestfriends and my family.

I realized that If I’m out of social media, I’m quite healthy. I don’t compare myself to other people. I don’t mind with what’s happening in the world, the community, or even celebrities and such. Anything that connects me to a certain world where people don’t know me and I know them. It’s toxic to feed on that. I don’t even know the news anymore. It’s somehow quiet and peaceful not to know, and I’m just recovering from my health and gaining strength to go out in the world. I only connect to certain individuals I meet in the workplace, in my community, or my circle wherever I go. That’s my life before. Until I went back and cared about other people’s whereabouts and affairs. I want to leave that attitude, and I’m starting with deactivating my social media accounts and uninstalling them, except for Pinterest of course.

There are moments when I wonder if I’m doing the right thing for my happiness. Does it align my values? Am I feeling forced? But I’m not. I’m quite happy today. Perhaps. Although, I’m short of money but I can live with that. I started this year with debt that I need to pay. But it’s fine. I have to live it well. It may worry me. It may evoke negative feelings or sort of, but I want to focus on what I have today.

Am I doing this right? I don’t know. I go with the currents or where the tides take me.