Staring at the skies made me wonder how insignificant and small I was in the universe. There are lots of galaxies, other universes, and even timelines out there, and here I am, making a mark in this lifetime on people whom I care about and love and living each day in my own way.
Drinking antidepressants had been my daily routine seven months ago, the moment I’d relapse due to excessive stress, mentally and physically. I knew already that I was not fine months before; it was like I was gaping another hole, and my subconscious alerted me that I needed to heal as much as possible or else I was going to explode again, worst if possible. But the intensity was different from my other relapse period; it was at a medium level, and I knew that I could survive this another phase of my long battle with depression. My work environment has made a significant contribution to my daily stress, and it has become customary for me. I have to deal with it because challenges at work are a regular occurrence with my ‘longevity’, and now, in my two years, the responsibilities are getting heavier, even the expectations.
When I knew that I could still manage, I ignored the antidepressants and went on with my daily routine. Unless it’s stressful and requires a lot of effort and understanding, I have to drink my meds. I don’t have a choice but to accept the challenge because no one will be willing to accept it, knowing that I’m at a senior level. Working in an office and in a sedentary lifestyle worsens my posture while also causing back pains and shoulder pains. Also, it’s unnerving and uncomfortable when you’re in the office for a long time without contact from the outside.
During breaks, snack breaks, or lunch breaks, I always find time to go outside, walk at my own pace, listen to music through my earbuds, and look at the sky. I need to get out of those four walls to breathe in the outdoor air. I want to see a piece of greenery outside, checking on wild grasses, insects, and even random flowers on vacant green areas where there are no buildings yet. Sometimes, I’d just stand and look at the sky, watching the clouds passing by. I took some shots of that piece of sight - a sneaky activity that I do during my breaks. I need to walk. Walking helps me clear my mind or keep my feet busy. It’s not really built for long hours of sitting with no activity. Even in meetings, I moved my legs, like crossing them or just swaying them. It’s very obvious to say who has ADHD tendencies among us. And it’s me. My body yearns for a daily routine that exhausts it - walking or attending to my chores instead of just sitting in an office. The thing about moving your body is that you can use your five senses outdoors, and based on my reading, it is crucial to connect oneself to nature because, once upon a time, we are always part of nature. Our bodies are not really attuned to modern living lately - the hustle and bustle culture has become a part of our lives because we need more resources to live, including money. But would we trade our well-being and peace of mind for temporary gratification? So relaxing in green spaces can help lessen the stress and anxiety caused by modern and high-tech living.
As an introvert living in the city, it’s a challenge to zone out the noises everywhere. I don’t want my voice to be hidden somewhere in the recesses of my mind because I need to listen to other voices. I don’t want to lose my authenticity as a person. So I find a space where I can just be myself and enjoy the little things and little matters. Writing is my constant outlet. During the pandemic, as I recall, I was focused on finishing a novel without caring much about what was happening in the world, which scared us in a way that made us reflect on our mortality. Without access to free medications and no follow-up appointments for my relapse, writing and creating another world helped me recover from my own demons at that time, despite the setbacks that I encountered along the way.
How can you tune out other voices to recognize your true voice? Listen to your heart. Connect to nature that soothes your soul. Detox yourself from the hustle and bustle culture of the modern world. To alleviate your stress and anxiety. Self-care shouldn’t be that hard for some people. You have to know your worth in order to take care of yourself in a healthy manner.