The urge to disappear and withdraw from the world and the environment that you’re living in is a complex feeling, a concept that stems from being overwhelm from everything or a feeling that you can’t explain. I have my reasons of why I choose to withdraw from the world and I’m quite guilty of ignoring my friends and even persons who are close to me because I want to sort my own dilemma and feelings to myself, or that I need a space to collect myself. This is also a difficult feeling since storing this indescribable emotions of nothingness and passiveness can be destructive and sometimes, this feels like draining little by little. Dwindling each time - like a candle.
When I withdraw, this has nothing to do with the people around me but something to do of what I feel inside. Feeling like a useless person, I eat up my hours rotting in bed, doomscrolling and then crying after that for another reasons. Searching something that can make me cry and release these pent-up emotions. Why am I like this when I have a good job? Why am I like when I have a support system around me? I’ve been carrying this disease for so long and then I abruptly stopped the medications since confirming that I can manage this. But who thinks that you can escape from the mess of your mind? It will resurface at your lowest and to deal with that, one of the solutions is to withdraw and disappear for a while. The psychiatrist did not advise this because a person with major depressive disorder should be active and experience the physical things in order to distract your mind from being on a loop of negative thinking, rumination and overthinking. But this stubborn individual - myself prefers to just bask in the solitude for a while.
Away from the noise of the world. I badly wanted to have a moment to myself where my mind is blank - nothingness. No worries. No problems. No rumination. No overthinking. But the mind can betray you and you are in the loop again in your past mistakes and regrets in life. I know that disappearing and withdrawing is a double-edge sword and this can affect my emotional and mental well-being.
But on the positive side, I experienced this for a long time when I was still recovering. I could not access my old Facebook account and that’s the line that I have with my old friends and maybe it’s a blessing in disguise because no one knows what I’m doing right at that time. No one knows that I’d navigated my mental health and still recovering from its aftermaths. No one saw me and had any news from me. I typically vanished in the thin air. I spent my days hiding and doing things on my own, away from the noise of the modern world. I just did things on my own. And I want to experience this again.
Only a small circle knows my well-being. No posting in social media. No mydays. No social updates in the Internet. And the people only see me physically. And I did that now, but the exception of communicating through messaging apps.
How I wish If I complete withdrawn from everyone, if that times come. I made a bargain to the world and to universe, that I’m just a miniscule dust of this universe - part still a part of it.