Sometimes, during the days when I felt down, uncomfortable and overthinking, I always felt like a fraud as an adult and when I am like this, I choose to bleed on paper and express this kind of phase through writing. The perception of being an adult is someone who was able to fulfill her/his responsibilities as an adult, like paying bills, taxes, mortgage, and even standards and aspects that society expects from an adult – marrying and stuff. But why do I feel like a fraud right now?
That my age was only coming up to me, that only my physical and a passage of time makes me older, but I feel like I am still young and amateur in this life – like I am not in my late twenties. Why do I feel like I am not the normal adult that everyone does.
The normal that I am talking about is being able to handle adult things – repairing things at home and even cooking. I am terrible at that and still on the learning curve. It should be basic skills to learn home improvement or maintenance, cooking and such that require you to survive. And here I am, still confuse of the ins and outs of being an adult in terms of processing legal and governmental documents, applying for any programs that might be of great help to me in the future and investing in important matters that make me feel secure. And here I am, still figuring out about settling down because it’s just so bad nowadays to live, the economy and the corruption that exists, the taxes, with barely savings. There are many things to experience as an adult and I felt I only experienced one-fourth of it despite being in my late twenties.
Is it expected to be mature at this age and near in her thirties? It brings me anxiety. I have two years for another decade of my life that I’m going to figure out and I am still figuring out this phase called adulthood. I’m scared and anxious of the idea that I’m stuck, not wiser, not experienced, only just letting the years went by. That’s why I felt like a fraud adult. I am not really an adult in the essence of the world or the definition of the word. Yes, I paid my bills and fulfilled my responsibilities as one but it’s not enough.
This phase is an imposter syndrome – undermining your experiences, thinking that you’re unqualified and incompetent. But for me it’s different, it’s like I am at this age, but this is just only numbers, a passage of time where I grow older physically, but I am not considering myself as growing older in the sense that I am emotionally, mentally, and spiritually mature. I need more experience and strengthen my mind and develop my skills in order to consider that I am really a mature adult.
That’s why I am disoriented. I need to take a pause. Did I just wake up being an adult – having a job, paying bills, travelling and such? I am in my late twenties, and I’m expected to live on my own. But due to economic reasons, I still stayed with my parents and my family, paying for the bills and expenses at home but not entirely experiencing to repair something when the faucet is leaking and I fall short in doing practical things – that needs to be done. Apart from home repair, I may have experienced budgeting but it’s not the overwhelming type of managing an entire household: electricity, water, home maintenance/repair expenses, groceries, mortgage or rent, and other things that you need for yourself and for your home. At home, I only do my share of the bills and expenses. For me, it’s not entirely the actual thing of living on my own or being independent but someday, I hope to say and consider myself a capable adult in which I can rely on my own.
The truth is I envied those younger than me who are capable to travel on their own to faraway places. It takes courage for me as an introvert and not a risk-taker. It takes skills to pack up things that you need for the trip, to book a flight and to ride for long hours. I only managed to go to my province but in the company of my younger sister and when I rode for long hours, I was in the company of workmates when we did outings. I want to experience travelling alone. To do things alone, booking a flight, travelling on my own, or even visiting other provinces where I can explore their communities, culture and their way of life. Maybe, it’s this feeling of being stuck, of not being able to achieve things that an adult can experience in 20s, but does it have to be?
In the end, we experience our 20s differently and for me, my 20’s is different from others, where they build something that makes them feel secure about their future. But I have to hope that someday, I can finally said that I can be independent and mature in the sense of the ‘word’.