INFPs are idealists. But in this world, being an idealist in a changing and fast-paced world can be a double-edged sword. You have to put that idealism away to live and survive because the world itself is not ideal for an INFP to live since sometimes, we view it in a rose-colored lens until reality and practically really hits us really bad. The ideals and dreams were bombarded now with deadlines, expectations, constant noise of practicality, constant noise of notifications, and a major shift of the system in the world.
As an INFP, I learn to accept that this is how the world works and that I shall hide my ideals and dreams on the back burner to prioritize the practicality of life. So I have to wear masks, to adapt to these changing surroundings, even if I feel misplaced and I feel like an alien in this world where I need to fit. I had to get a job to sustain my needs, turning my writing dream into my career and this could be a dream job for me but in the long run, the job sustained my needs, and I paid my bills, so it’s enough for me, for now. I switch my plans and adapt to a realistic mindset to keep myself alive in a practical sense.
I complained a lot. About my work. About my problems in life. Until I stop complaining and silence myself from feeling these emotions because I think it’s futile to drown myself in despair and grief for struggling as an adult INFP, because I can’t change what I can’t control. So, I have to collect my shits. All these damages that I carried, I write them down here. To express everything when the whole world around me felt overwhelming. When I focus on negativity, it’s a difficult situation since I have to battle against myself and the darkness that was hidden. It’s not needed but it’s a part of me – my depression. Sometimes, I gaslighted myself that being able to feel deep sadness and melancholy. I experience emotions deeply and react intensely to negativity from social media, global issues, and personal relationships instead of exposing myself to these. I have to protect my peace and go back to my shell again, but with the awareness of reality.
I value my solitude and peace of mind a lot and when I am bombarded with negative news, content on social media that cause brain rot, consumerism, trends, and many other things that can deteriorate my focus and cause me mental fatigue and anxiety. There is a saying ‘out of sight’, ‘out of mind’. Sometimes, it’s good when I’m being ignorant of what’s happening in my surroundings and the rigid environment that I live in – in corporate, community and the country.
I realized that idealism can also hinder me from doing or deciding my next action. This society values productivity, standardization, and success in material things and in different aspects. I don’t want to compete with and climb the ladder of success and just go with the flow. Comparisons and deciding based on others’ happiness and setting a standard for myself that I know the standards of others, only deteriorate a part of me since I know myself as a simple person, not a risk taker when it comes to experiences in life. Individuals at my age may experience things that are supposed to be achieved at this phase but later on, I have to accept that each of us has his/her own journey to forge.
So here I am, an INFP who went along how the world works now which values productivity and competitiveness. I put up a mask so I can of go along with the reality that’s happening. The reality of meeting ends meets and sustaining needs in order to live. The moment I reached adulthood, I had to adapt being a realist and adapt a pragmatic approach in life, instead of dreaming of goals that are unrealistic in the long run. I have to compromise my idealism for a while to survive in this world. Humans make it harsh. We are the ones who makes life hard for ourselves and sometimes, I have to put that rainbows on the backburner in order to deal the dull colors of life. I have to ignore these nagging emotions or else it’s a rabbit hole of looping around my mistakes, regrets, doubts and insecurities.
Does it have to be like that? To put aside your passion and dreams because life is hard lately. The economy. The auto pilot routine working in a traditional job. The sleep procrastination after. The routine that died down our soul and our minds, being unable to pursue the things that we want to pursue. I lost myself to this grueling day to day life of a person who forgot her passions for a while because there are other priorities, instead of prioritizing of what makes her feel alive even at the shortest moment.
But I know, deep inside, I carry this small light of hope, that there the time comes when I won’t compromise and hide my idealism and blend into the reality, a space unmasking that pretend mask of being strong. I can’t be strong all the time. There’s softness and there’s imagination that should not be hidden for so long and there’s the belief that everything will make sense.